Fear
I haven’t written in a while. There’s now so much to say that I’m not quite sure how or where to begin.
So I’ll start when I last wrote. At the time, I was thinking about attending the SocComm conference in New York City. There are a couple of reasons this almost didn’t happen. For one, I couldn’t afford it, but then the incredibly gracious Jeff Pulver offered me a scholarship. Secondly, and far more influential, even after his generous invitation, I didn’t feel “good enough.” Excuse me for getting all Stuart Smalley on you, and feel free to skip this post if you think it’s self-indulgent. Perhaps it is…but my self needs indulging.
I have this story in my head; perhaps we all do. It goes a little something like this:
“Hide. At all costs, protect yourself. If you show all of who you really are, you will get hurt. More importantly, remember this ball of light you’re carrying deep in the core of your being – this idea. You, in your infinite imperfection, might drop it, and it’s simply too precious to fumble.”
The truth is: I’m terrified. Beyond whatever you can possibly imagine.
I believe that the idea behind Epic Change is good and pure and beautiful and right and somehow the universe has thrust it into these imperfect, fumbling hands of mine. I didn’t ask for it. The idea didn’t come from me. It came to me. From some unknown, wonderful place where new ideas are born.
And I’m terrified I’m going to screw it up. Terrified. I imagine what a mother must feel like in the presence of her new baby (an honor I admittedly have not personally experienced and cannot possibly fully grasp). But having been in the room when my nephew was born, I felt so small. So painfully human. So imperfect. And there, in my presence, was perfection. Something sent through the cosmos too perfect to even bear. And I wonder if my sister felt the way I do now. Like “oh, please, please, please, don’t let me screw this up.” Please. I will give all that I have. But please let me somehow rise to this occasion.
Let me not shrink.
Yet, out of fear, I nearly did. I almost missed SocComm in New York, and all the opportunities it has since helped to unfold, because I was frantically doubtful about whether my chubby, disheveled shell was a “good enough” vessel to convey this idea I hold so dear.
As I was mired in this ridiculous but uber-real fear, though, a goddess and new-found friend said to me this: “It’s not about you. It’s bigger than you.” She said, in her tender but painfully honest way, “Get out of the way. The universe is trying to create something here. Get out of the way. For the sake of 300 children in Tanzania and who knows how many more…work your heart out, do your part, then get out of your own way and let the universe do the rest. It will place untold opportunities in your path; gratefully accept each and every one.”
I went to New York, with a heartfelt thank-you card to Jeff Pulver in hand.
As the conference started, the universe acknowledged and quieted once again my internal refrain of self-doubt. Jeff stood up and said something so human I nearly cried. He talked about the kid he once was, the awkward one who didn’t quite fit in, and how he found his community through a ham radio when he was an 11-year-old boy. It was as if the universe was smiling down upon me, saying, in its most reassuring possible voice, “you are not alone.” His humanity, his admitted insecurity, was magnetic, and it inspired me to share, rather than hide, these vulnerable pieces of myself…like this post.
Since I went to SocComm, since I got out of my own way, countless doors have opened, and I am growing less afraid of walking through them. I have, as always, no idea where they will lead, but this much I know: it will be good.
Jeff, thank you.
PS: Jeff Pulver has created a compelling, open self-portrait online, which inspired me to create one as well, in the guise of the “25 Random Things” Facebook meme. If you want to know more about who I am, I’d invite you to become my FaceBook friend and read my 25 things. On Facebook, I am Stacey Beatrice Lucy Monk.
Posted: March 2nd, 2009 under The Foundry.
Comments: 11
Comments
Comment from Jeff Pulver
Time: March 2, 2009, 8:57 pm
Stacey, thanks for sharing your thoughts and for being in the audience at SocComm. Thanks for listening and for being there and for sharing yourself.
And thanks for all of the super kind words. :))
Comment from parmonkular
Time: March 2, 2009, 10:08 pm
Sometimes I forget that you are susceptible to this kind of paralyzing fear. To me, you have never been anything except capable of changing the world. From the time I could remember, I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to be as smart, beautiful, passionate, loving, successful, hilarious, generous, and good as you are. One day (probably the same day you woke me up at God knows what hour to go back to work after having slept 4 hours after working for at least 24 straight hours), I realized it is too hard to be like you. It never occurred to me that it’s probably really hard for you, too.
Comment from Jocelyn Harmon
Time: March 2, 2009, 11:35 pm
Ah, Stacey you must read When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times and/or The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron. She will soothe your soul and let you know that being afraid is exactly where you need to be.
Jocelyn
Comment from Tori Tuncan
Time: March 3, 2009, 12:28 am
Stacey, this is a great post, and I’m glad you “got out of the way!” :) You are doing a great job with Epic Change! You can’t “screw it up” if you’re doing your best! Don’t worry, babe, you rock! :)
Tori :)
Comment from Tracy Pell
Time: March 3, 2009, 1:39 am
Aw hon! I know the feeling of not being enough… of not doing enough. The closer we get to actually making something happen the more scared I get. So I am glad to see that others feel that fear too. It helps, it really does. None of us are as strong as we pretend right? I am working so hard to follow the path I think God has laid out before me… and sometimes it takes everything I have to do the thing that is right instead of the thing I want… sometime I succeed and sometimes I fail. We only just met, but I love you my dear… keep on keeping on!
Comment from Erin Kelley-Soderholm
Time: March 3, 2009, 10:21 am
Stacey, thank you for your willingness to show you are vulnerable. Sometimes I get a bit paralyzed by the fear that what I give isn’t or won’t be enough. It only makes Epic Change more inspiring when I know that you are afraid, too. You aren’t alone, and you have already succeeded in your mission. The rest is just gravy.
Comment from Julie Wilson
Time: March 3, 2009, 2:06 pm
Stacy, I agree with your sister. I know I’ve never commented on the blog before, but I feel it’s warranted to remind you of something.
Even on the days the you might feel like your “faking it” or just wearing a mask of confidence, the rest of us still believe in you. Even when you don’t feel like it, you are a force of nature, if only because the rest of the world believes it to be so! The level of energy, intensity, and positivity you are always exuding is enviable. And I think it’s okay to seek encouragement from outside yourself when you need it.
Also, your sister (not yet a mother herself) was in the room when your niece was born, and you should have seen the look of horror on her face. I thought she’d never have a child after that experience, but look what a fantastic mom she’s become. Maybe we just have to be challenged in order to prove how brave we can be.
Comment from jen lemen
Time: March 4, 2009, 4:54 pm
stacey, this is really really beautiful and so, so good.
i’m honored to know you and hope you will write more about getting out of your own way–if more of us knew how to do that, this world would be a brighter place in a flash.
Comment from Jamie Lee
Time: March 9, 2009, 10:58 pm
Stacey,
We only just met through twitter and your “dear doubt” tweet … just cruised over here to check out your site – and then this post, and all I can say is that I’m glad to have found you.
What a wonderfully poignant and honest expression of the fear and doubt most of us feel sometimes (or all the time). I’m in a similar place with an idea (though not as beautifully orchestrated to affect social change as yours), and your thoughts have both reassured me and given me a much-needed kick in the arse. ;)
Thank you.
Comment from Mariella
Time: March 14, 2009, 12:35 pm
These children in Tanzania are beaming with such bright light. I wonder if they have any fear? They are so, so incredibly inpspiring….YOU are such an inspiration. Thank you!!
Comment from dmcconnell
Time: March 21, 2009, 2:12 pm
So glad I came across your blog through the “rockstar” list on Chris Brogan’s blog. I, too, have a “big idea” and believe in it wholeheartedly. But I’m afraid, sometimes, that I don’t have the knowledge, skillset, or resources to help it get off the ground. I’m just in the very beginning stages and am struggling to find people who can help me work through this phase of the plan. But I’m not giving up. Just like you said, this idea came “to” me.
Best wishes.
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